April 13 Play: CROQUET

X: CROQUET - by Ed Valentine
© April 13, 2010 * ed@edvalentine.com


LIGHTS UP: Three people buried in earth up to their necks: ANNA, BELGIUM, and CYRIA.

ANNA: Seems to me that we're in fine fettle.

BELGIUM: Fine what?

ANNA: Fine fettle.

CYRIA: What is 'fettle?'

ANNA: Damned if I know.

CYRIA: What is 'damned?'

BELGIUM: Quiet, Cyria! Don't ask silly questions. Everyone knows that Anna's the smartest one around.

CYRIA: Of who?

BELGIUM: Of all of us.

CYRIA: That's not saying much.

ANNA: I can hear you. I'm right here.
(Noises off.)
Quiet! Here they come!

(They stay comically still. Even their expressions freeze. The DUKE and DUCHESS OF WINDSOR walk past them, playing croquet.)

DUCHESS OF WINDSOR: FORE!
(With the croquet mallet, she hits Cyria in the head. DUCHESS doesn't notice.)
Oh.

DUKE: Yes, peachy?

DUCHESS: I missed the gate. Missed the gate entirely.

(They stand as in the Avedon photo.)

DUKE: But peachy: there shall be another one!

DUCHESS: Do you think?

DUKE: Always and always. Forever and ever.

DUCHESS: I knew there was a reason. A reason why I loved you!

(The rub noses. Gross. Then exit humming.)

CYRIA: Ow.

ANNA: Quiet. We should accept our lot. Don't you think, Belgium?

BELGIUM: Oh yes. Yes I do. We should just be quiet and accept.

CYRIA: Huh.
-
Says you. 'Smartest one of us all.' Huh.

ANNA: I can hear you.

CYRIA: Good.

LIGHTS OUT. END OF PLAY.

April 12 Play: COW

X: COW - by Ed Valentine
© April 12, 2010 * ed@edvalentine.com

Lights up: Two MEN near a cow. They have a pail. They look dubious.

BUB: You milk it.

BOYCE: You first.

BUB: I did it yesterday.

BOYCE: Still.

BUB: You got nothing better than that, do you?

BOYCE: (Thinks for a moment.)
Naw.

BUB: Then hop to it. Take the pail.

BOYCE: I still don't see why...

BUB: Just do it.

BOYCE: Ok, then.

BUB: Go on.

(BOYCE touches the cow. It cries, in a human voice.)

COW: Mama! Maaamaaa!

BOYCE: I hate when she does that. Boy, do I hate it.

BUB: We need to get a better cow.

BOYCE: Do we ever. Do we ever.

(The cow keeps crying. Lights out.)

END OF PLAY.

April 11 Play: 25 ¢ A LOOK

X: 25 ¢ A LOOK - by Ed Valentine
© April 11, 2010 * ed@edvalentine.com

LIGHTS UP: Grey sky. A windswept prairie. In the middle of it, a small tent with a colored (but faded) banner in front of it: an old-timey painted banner depicting a pair of two female conjoined twins. A sign that says, “25 ¢ a Look.” Two women outside of the tent dressed in clothes of the 1920’s.)

SELMA: What do you think?

BLANCHE: It’s shameful. Shameful.

SELMA: I think so too.
-
Still.

BLANCHE: Don’t get any ideas.

SELMA: Ideas? Like what kind of ideas?

BLANCHE: Everyone would talk.

(They both look around ostentatiously.)

SELMA: I don’t see the harm.

BLANCHE: But you’d know. I’D know.

SELMA: I suppose you’re right.
-
(Digs in her purse.)

BLANCHE: What are you up to, Selma?

SELMA: Here. A quarter.

BLANCHE: Damn fool, wasting your money like that.

SELMA: It’s not a waste if it’s worth a look.
Look out, I’m a-comin’ in!

(She goes into the tent.)

BLANCHE: Selma! Selma! Selma!
(Silence. Whispered or hissed:)
Selma?

-

(SELMA re-enters from the tent, stricken.)

BLANCHE: Well? Was it worth every penny of your hard-earned money?

-

SELMA: How right you were, Blanche. How right you were.

(She shudders. A wind kicks up, blows some debris about. The two women go off, looking back over their shoulders at the tent.)

(A voice from inside the tent. Two hands come out, beckoning.)

TWO VOICES: Next?

BLACKOUT. END OF PLAY.

Plays April 1-10

Same note as the last one: still have to type these in. Have 'em on paper - most of them - but boy this is time-consuming! Maybe April will be better. Bear with me.

Plays March 23-31

Still have to type these in. Have 'em on paper - most of them - but boy this is time-consuming! Maybe April will be better. Bear with me.